Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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