I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
