I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
