don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There r osticjed everywhere
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
