Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
