I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we're making bets on your personal life
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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