You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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