I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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