Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
