i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
