his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
