Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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