You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
