so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
