Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
