Acid is not a monday night drug
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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