I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
