can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
