i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
