I just gift wrapped bread.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just forgot I was standing up.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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