just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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