note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sorry about my life...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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