On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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