Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
