Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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