i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
