Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You've changed since you got that strap on
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
