I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
