Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
