Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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