Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
