I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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