New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
