you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Is it penis luge time yet?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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