I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
