Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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