he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
