i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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