I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
