as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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