i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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