he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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