It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
