Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
