Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
