I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
