I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
