My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All I want is dick and wine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
