Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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