She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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